| Been a while. |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|08:31 pm] |
Time for a post I guess. It has been long enough since my last one. It feels funny talking in to this ether of Internet to some mysterious strangers as it were.
It has been a busy year. A collision of family, business and practice expansions that just prunes the tree of time until there are but a few twigs left. Not that I am frugal with time mind you. I still find a plenty to waste. Not as much as I might have some years ago. This week seems to be a culmination of it all. The culmination of Christine's birthday and Christmas preparations, the final push to finish the last outdoor project (yes it's cold out there!), and on top of that I need to get ready to go to a seven day Rohatsu Sesshin in Vermont. My first Rohatsu and my second seven day one, the only other one being my first.
Yesterday we got approved for daycare subsidy which was the only way we could afford it. Toronto daycare rates are between $50 and $100 per day. With the subsidy we will be paying $2.68 per day, which if you ask me should be the normal rate anyhow. This means that Christine can go back to working full time and I can try and grow some other areas of my work.
Zoe is handling it quite well so far. We have been trying to introduce it to her gradually over the last week. She is quite a trooper. She doesn't cry when we drop her off but she does get a bit sad as the day goes on. By the time parents are coming to get their kids she is just sitting around sadly, so I am told. Than when she sees me she starts crying and runs to me saying "Daddy! Daddy! I missed you!" followed by big squishy hugs and kisses. I brought up daycare in our conversation today and she said how she does have fun there but that she would rather stay home with me and mommy. I forgot how tough it is to be her age. My memories from that age are few but I remember going through the daycare thing and it wasn't fun.
Work has been growing and expanding this year. Next year I have to consider hiring people to work for me. I find the whole thing surreal and somewhat unnerving. At the same time that is what I like about being self employed. It is a swashbuckling lifestyle. Scary and exciting at the same time. Most of my thanks should go to Catherine Siddhal, the garden designer that I work with, for complete trust in me and my work. So this last season it has been stonework, stonework and more stonework. Of course the very last project for the year is the cedar deck, which I am trying to wrap up by the end of this week before I have to leave and before it gets buried in snow. After that is done it is time to clean up my workshop, get it all warm and cosy, and start making furniture. The short list of projects is a bookcase, a headboard, bed for Zoe, two rad covers, chest of drawers, maybe a bed for our bedroom as well. It looks like a busy winter.
Since we had Zoe it has been a tough gig making it to the Sesshin. For the most part I can make it to the odd three day ones. This year I have forgone all the sesshins during the summer in order to go to a seven day Rohatsu. This morning while waiting in dokusan line I realized that I have fallen in to a very subtle version of a common practice trap. Expecting something out of it. I though I was over that one, but it seems not. It is easy to fall for it especially after one experiences samadi states or other pleasant states. With that in mind I am heading in to the fray. It is a good day to die as they say.
I will bore you with some more after I come back if I feel up to it. With that in mind I wish you all the best times and happy holidays, whatever they might be. |
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| Work related. |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|08:14 pm] |
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I can't believe I am working at this guys garden. My garden designer Cathrine, who gives me a lot of work, sure has interesting customers. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2007|09:21 pm] |
Some months ago we started playing VHS tape of Lion King to Zoe. She loved it and it turned in to a daily thing. But after a while we decided that it is not quite suited to her age due few violent scenes in the movie. At this point Zoe wanted to continue watching the movie and she kept asking for it. Me and Christine started telling her that we don't know where the tape is. So everytime I would tell her that I don't know where the tape is she would briefly go looking for it, walking around the appartment saying: tape, tape, tape.
( She found the tape ) |
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| Ethiopian food, uuummm, yummy! |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|01:41 pm] |
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Few weeks ago, the owner of our favourite Ethiopian restaurant Addis Ababa on Queen west, just published a cookbook. I have been waiting for it well over a year now and yesterday I finally had the chance to go there and pick it up, together with some takeout for dinner. All the dishes that can be found on the menu are there, plus many many more. I can't wait to start cooking. I think we'll have to have some people over for dinner soon. How about it? |
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| Got my G2! |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|04:12 pm] |
I finally got my G2 drivers license, and can drive on my own! You see I am a 33 year old contractor who has somehow managed to be in this business for 3 odd years without a vehicle. I know, customers were also very intrigued, shocked and surprised by that fact.
It's funny how excited I am about this. I fell like a giddy teenager, a feeling, which at first caught me by surprise, because I never cared much about the whole "car" culture. And I am not sure why exactly, but it feels good. Maybe it is this feeling of independence, which is even weirder because I am self employed 33 year old who has been living on his own since I turned 18.
I just returned from my maiden voyage, alone in the car, doing some business stuff. I have to say that driving is very unusual experience. Usually my commutes are rather relaxing and monotone, just sitting on the streetcar or subway, reading the paper or playing on my Nintendo DS.
I always found the reactions and behaviours of the people behind the wheel rather odd. Even driving with T.H. Sensei (my zen teacher) you would see this whole other side of him. I mean for crying out loud he is a zen teacher and he would still behave rather inpatient/hurried/aggressive behind the wheel. Well now I know how it feels. How peculiar that just sitting in a car and driving around can influence our normal behaviour and reactions so much.
I experienced whole gamut of really bizarre behaviour and emotions. I found myself being selfish, annoyed, excited, bored, hurried, provoked, and much more. It is quite draining, both mentally and physically. I feel a bit frazzled right now.
I'll have to leave it at this, Zoe just woke up. |
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| Dal Makhni |
[Jan. 13th, 2007|03:13 pm] |
Many people have asked me for this simple yet tasty recipe. Without further ado here is the illustrated version.
( Recipe ) |
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| Finger licking good! |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|09:07 pm] |
I am very glad that Zoe appreciates my cooking and will eat anything I make. You know that she really likes if she keeps making these "uhmmm, uhmm" sounds while eating.
I think tonights dinner was a particular success because apart from the noises she ended up having two more servings. At first she was trying to eat with the fork but than quickly put it aside and just used her hand to gobble it up. I think her food rating goes even higher because none of the food ended up on her shirt or the floor.
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| Just another day. |
[Dec. 10th, 2006|08:26 pm] |
I feel like posting today. What about? I am not sure quite yet. Maybe about lack thereof. I am not sure why I don't feel the need to share more about my life and experiences here. To an extent I feel like there is not much to say. We all have our share of daily ups and downs. So why not share mine? I am not quite sure. Maybe it is because all these daily theatrics don't get to me any more, not as they used to.
The things I would like to share, the zen related experiences and insights, I am afraid of sharing. Afraid, not because you might think I'm gone mad. My self image is last on the list of things to worry about. It is out of respect for that which I discover. Every time I tried to do so in the past, it came out like a ramblings of a mad man. Maybe it is my lack of eloquence or ability to express that which I came to know, that which is beyond words. It seems to me that the further I am along this path of discovery the less I want to bring it up to others. I'll leave it at that for now. |
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| Sesshin! |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|09:47 pm] |
It turns out I will be able to go to the upcoming 3 day Sesshin after all. Initially it was conflicting with Christine's work schedule but it turns out my mom is going to be staying in town until September 5th and she agreed to look after Zoe on the days that Christine is working. Yay for moms.
I feel so grateful to Christine for letting me pursue this practice of mine. Not only does she take on the burden of looking after Zoe for those days that I am in a Sesshin but she is constant support to my practice. Your partner has an uncanny ability to expose those things that one is blind to, and those character flaws which one does not want to deal with. This I find invaluable.
Now I have to make this short. She is waiting for a game of Backgammon and some watermelon. |
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| Bathroom Reno |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|05:30 pm] |
There you have it. On Sunday I just finished my first ever complete bathroom reno for a customer. I never thought I would be doing this kind of work but I couldn't turn it down at the time. Everything was ripped out and new stuff was put in. It is tiny little thing, 5'x8' or so. So small that you need a fish-eye lens to take pictures of it, which explains the pictures I am posting.
All in all it turned out quite well. The bathtub was the biggest pain in the ass. I didn't think I would be able to get it in at all. I learned that sometimes you just need to call a plumber to do the work. Even with the plumber and me it took us few hours to get it in place and hooked up. I don't know what I was thinking when I planned to do that on my own. There are a few details that still need to be done. One is putting some handles on the vanity doors and drawers and the other is the wall with the mirror. I think the customer wants to put a larger mirror to cover the whole wall.
( Some pictures ) |
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| Saturday morning with Zoe |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|11:35 am] |
Ah, what a wonderful morning. Today is just me and Zoe. As usual she woke up around 5:30 but today was my turn to take her to the futon and try and get her to sleep more. I really enjoy the times that I do this. Normally, during the week, I get up at 5:20 and than head over to the zen centre for one hour of zazen and chanting. I am quite used to be awake at this time, so when I get to sleep in with Zoe I am usually only half asleep and get to see her dreaming and making faces and tumbling around. It is very very cute. Today however both her and me just slept solid until 7:45. Quite refreshing little nap.
Once she was awake we just wedged on the couch and watched some cartoons. Than we had some breakfast and she played while I tidied up the kitchen. After I was done we headed out for a walk. We got as far as the first intersection when I noticed a garage sale sign. We have been living in this neighbourhood for a while now but never went to any garage sales on Saturday. I guess we usually don't get out early enough to find any good stuff.
One of the things I keep hearing from people is that there is a lot of great baby clothing to be found on these sales. And what do you know. The first sale I go to I hit the treasure trove of baby clothes. ยข25 a piece! $6.25 later I had a bag full of clothes and a toy she was playing with while I was digging through clothes. I wish Christine was there. I hope that she will like at least a few items from the pile.
So we ended up cruising through the hood on the lookout for more, but couldn't find any with baby clothes. Ended up at the zen centre at some point. Zoe usually likes to run around the garden, but today she just kept running back to the stroller. She was getting tired I guess. She fell asleep on the way home. The brisk morning air knocked her right out. So much so that I was able to get her from the stroller on to the futon and she continued to sleep.
Bright sun in the treetops
Brisk wind on the face
Bird song keeps reminding me
Thats all there is |
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| No more Zen talk |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|11:14 pm] |
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After some consideration I have decided not to write anything related to my practice in my live journal or partake in any of the communities on the subject any more. There is no point in it. Talking about something that is based purely in direct experience is like telling someone who is hungry about this great meal you had. Talk all you want it will not satisfy their hunger. So from now on I might just update the journal with more everyday stuff. If I find the time. |
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| Time to stop? |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|08:21 am] |
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When I first started this blog I was concerned that his will just become another distraction and I am afraid to say that I think it has become just that. I am starting to catch myself just sitting in front of the computer and reloading the friends page to see if there are any new posts. This has to stop. So farewell for now. I might drop by in a while but you won't see me here as often anymore. |
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| Juriki |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|01:06 am] |
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It is 1AM and I still can not sleep. Just finished sitting a round of zazen and the sesshin juriki is still strong, which is partially what is keeping me awake. I'll have a cup of tea and see if that helps any and if not than I'll just have to do more zazen. That will surely put me to sleep :) |
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| Comming back to the world |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|07:40 pm] |
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Back from 5 day sesshin I am tired and elated. I don't think we quite realize how much we are capable of doing if we were just sincere with ourselves. I will save you from a lot of empty words and fancy phrases as tempting as it may be right now. All I have to say that Buddhas and the patriarchs didn't lie. |
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| Big leap. |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|11:34 pm] |
Well the five day sesshin starts tomorrow. I fell like a soldier in a trench before a big offensive. The fears and doubts are creeping up but I can not, will not, give in to them. I know them well and I know that it will be hard to resist the lure of giving in to them. I can not waste any more time. I will sit come hell or high water, no excuses.
I know I will not be able to go to a sesshin for quite some time after this one which is one more reason for resolve. I have to express my deepest gratitude to my wife Christine and her constant support of my practice and for taking care of our little daughter Zoe by herself while I am gone. I love you so much baby. |
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| New meanings... |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|10:49 am] |
Today I pulled out one of my favourite albums that I have not heard in a very long time (Lamb - Fear of Fours). As the second track started playing I started remembering the lyrics. Well lets just say they had a new meaning now than they might have back than.
"little things"
there's so many things that we miss in our everyday lives
we're so busy hustling bustling chasing faraway dreams
we forget the little things
like blue skies, green eyes and our babies growing
like rainbows, fresh snow and the smell of summer
we forget to live
give us eyes like children so we live each day as our first
we're so sure we know so much that we forget to listen
then we want the fickle things
like cheap thrills, fast pills and constant consumption
like CDs, TVs and cars that speak our name
we forget to live
there's so many things that we miss in our everyday lives
we're so busy hustling bustling chasing faraway dreams
we forget the little things
like blue skies, green eyes and our babies growing
like rainbows, fresh snow and the smell of summer
we forget to live
I find that the same applies to the chants I do after my daily zazen practice. The longer that one is engaged in practice the more meaning one can get from different chants. Some gain a completely different meaning that initially thought. Quite amazing that. |
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